If you’re reading this, you’re likely a hunter, or at least married to or dating one. There are some ways to know for sure, and I’ve compiled the following list of seven surefire indicators.
1. They own “casual” camo clothes
I once bought a pair of camo slip-on shoes. I had to promise my wife that I was only buying them to wear around the house and I wouldn’t go out in public wearing them. That was a lie, of course. Camo is more than just hunting clothing. It’s a lifestyle. I have a lot of camo stuff that I wear on a regular basis that isn’t hunting gear. My wife has finally seen the light, too. She has a SHE camo jacket from Bass Pro that she wears all the time and I’ve seen her wearing camo shoes in public, too. She says I can’t camo wrap the family car, but I’m working on it.
2. They go deeper than just “No Shave November”
There is a fad right now of men not shaving their facial hair for the month of November for some charity. Shoot, hunters have been doing this for decades. “I’m not shaving until I get my buck!” It’s not uncommon for deer hunters to start growing out the chin whiskers. Now I’m not saying my wife also does this, but I do know of more than one female hunter who adds an extra layer of insulation on her legs come autumn.
3. They perform a laundry duty switch-up
I had one of my friends’ wife say the other day that she knows its hunting season because her husband does all his own laundry. Hey, ScentBlocker stuff isn’t cheap, and you need to wash it correctly. It doesn’t really apply in my house as I already do the laundry. It was either that or wash the dishes. Besides, my wife kept shrinking all my camo when she did the laundry. She said I was gaining weight, but whatever.
4. They wake up earlier in fall than any other time of the year
During the rest of the year, if I don’t have to wake up early, it ain’t gonna happen. But when hunting season rolls around, I can jump out of bed by 3 a.m. and rush down the stairs like a kid on Christmas morning. Of course, as the season goes on, I roll out of bed and whimper to the coffee pot before heading out, but I still get up and out. What’s better for me is that my wife will often get up and head out early in the morning to go hunting, too. We have a name for a woman that’ll get up at 3 a.m., make coffee, and help with breakfast and then go out into the woods too—Keeper.
5. They have unbelievably acute hearing
No, I’m not talking about your jewelry, I’m talking about how when autumn rolls around, your spouse gets a case of “hunter’s ear.” It could be a busy shopping area in an urban setting. There could be cars honking, kids screaming, and teenagers blabbering away on their cell phones to the person standing on their right about the person standing on their left. Through all this noise, a hunter can pick out the lone honk of a solitary goose. I use this adaptation to tell when my kids are being naughty upstairs, which is just about every time they are upstairs unless they are asleep.
6. They fall victim to out-of-control spending
I once had a collegue tell me how to be a successful bargain hunter as an outdoorsman: you need to have a “Swiss bank account.” He had a small part of his paycheck deposited into a second checking account. He’d have the statements sent to his office. It was from this account that he bought his guns, decoys, and other hunting gear. It was a genius move until the day his wife came to the office and found his statements. She got a nice ring out of the deal. It was a shame, too. He had just ordered a custom Winchester. That’s when he got the Swiss bank credit card. Like I said—genius.
7. They never let a Bass Pro or Cabela’s pass them by
Speaking of shopping, you know your spouse is a hunter if he/she can’t drive past a Cabela’s, Bass Pro Shop, Gander Mountain, or other big sporting goods store. My wife doesn’t always want to go to one of these places, but if I’m driving, there’s not much a choice involved. I’m kind of lucky in that there isn’t one very close to my house so that when we’re close to one, there is a decent chance that my wife is asleep. When she wakes up I use the old, “I needed to stretch my legs a bit” routine. It works every time. (Note: it never works. My wife knows I’m full of crap every time I use that excuse.)
So how about it—how can you tell if your spouse is a hunter?